Pahanin Errata 2: The Unfinished Sequel
by Ikedawg43
Summary: Super Good Advice has plenty of time to itself as it sits unused in your vault, so it decides to edit Pahanin's unfinished draft of the sequel to his Pahanin Errata. This time around, the Tower's favorite Hunter wanted to tell some of his funny but more serious stories, of which there are actually at least one, surprisingly. (Rated T for his foul mouth. - SGA)
1. Super Good Editor

Super Good Editor's Note: So Pahanin was the Tower's most famous Hunter (that wasn't a Vanguard). He wrote a book (more or less) that encompassed his personality and his one-liners. And he decided what the heck, why stop at one book? He saw that glimmer sitting there for the taking and drafted a sequel…of sorts. Of course, he was murdered by that camping bitc—wait, apparently editors aren't allowed to wrote profanity—camping SOB Dredgen Yor. So the book is incomplete, and as I sit here in the vault, I figured I've nothing better to do than edit what he did have (because, you know, it's not like I'm being chosen for high-end activities anymore, for _some_ reason…). So while his first book was really just a collection of funny lines and unconnected stories, the second is… well, funny lines and _mostly_ unconnected stories. Without any more intro, enjoy Pahanin's last legacy (unless you are Dredgen Yor. In that event, go suck a…)

- _Super Good Advice_

"Hey Roni, he in?" I asked with low expectations.

Not low expectations about him being able to see me; as soon as I docked people have been scrambling to help me get wherever I needed to go. No one said a word, asked a question, or breathed, but they also didn't stare too long. I'd put a solid 500g down that the Vanguard issued a Highest-Alert: Missing Guardians bounty for us on Venus.

Then again, that would be cheating if I did, because once I got free of interference I got that bounty too. Odd that there was a bounty for three missing Guardians when it was just Kabr, me, and…well, I guess it was just us two. Like I said, odd.

No, what I had low expectations about was that Roni 55-30 would properly work. Damn A.I.s never really seem to function properly on their own. The only time they work is if you consider Exos, and they don't really count for the "A" part, do they? Roni, while beloved by his master, has been on the fritz for a while and really should just be sent down to the maintenance hangar for a good, _long_ checkup.

Preferably long enough for me to have lived a short life with an epic death via gunfight. If I never have to deal with Roni sending me to the _wrong fucking planets for my bounties_ ever again, it would be too soon.

"Yes. My master has cleared his schedule for you. How did the debriefing with Mr. Saint-14 and Mr. The Speaker go?" Roni 55-30 asked in its normal robotic chirp.

I'm stunned. The thing actually functioned properly for once in its miserable life. I may not have to threaten it this time.

"It sucked 'bout as bad as a debriefing with Captain Mohawk and Traveler Jesus sounds."

Okay, so not one of my better lines. I won't jot that one down, but it never hurts to try new material on frames. They tend to not get offended or snitch on you.

"Okay, have a good day Mr. Pahanin."

Oh hell no.

"what DID YOU CALL ME, BITCH!?" I shouted as I whipped out a Golden Gun with a flash and pointed it at Roni.

"Mr. Pahanin" Roni repeated.

I fired a shot just past Roni's head, into a pad in the wall that I just now noticed had to have been added to keep me from putting holes in the place. A second glance confirmed that it was not built to withstand a Golden Gun, at least not with the bird-looking helmet I found.

"WHAT DID I TELL YOU NEVER TO CALL ME?"

"Uh. I don't compute that properly."

"OF COURSE YOU DON'T. OPEN MY PERSONEL FILE."

"Opening. Opened."

"LOOK UNDER 'ADDRESS BY'."

"File reads 'Pahanin.' Would you like to change this?"

"OPEN ADVANCED SETTINGS."

"Opening. Opened."

"WHAT DOES IT SAY UNDER PREFIX?"

"Oh dear, my file must be corrupt. There is no prefix."

"EXACTLY. DON'T USE A PREFIX. GOT IT?"

"How should I address you in the absence of a prefix? Would you like to add a title?"

"JUST NEVER CALL ME 'MR' AGAI—wait, did you say a title? Like what, lord or something?"

"Very well, I shall substitute 'lord' as your prefix, Lord Pahanin."

It took me a second to get a read on how that sounded, but I _like_ it. This is the sorta respect a man that come outta the fucking Vault of Glass deserves.

"Threatening my frame again, Pahanin? Do I need to make you read a book on the fundamental elements of near-death culture of the late twentieth century America? I hear there is an extremely accurate depiction of a 'Bingo' game; you look like the type to just look at the pictures anyways…"

"Oh, very funny. You're gonna regret all your sass when I out you as a Hunter disguised as a Warlock in my book."

"Writing a book now, Pahanin? I wasn't aware you could read! I'm sure your audience won't even understand what you'd be implicating."

There was a long moment of silence as we stared each other down before he finally started to crack, and before long we were both laughing as we walked back into his office.

"It's good to see you, Pahanin. I was beginning to worry I had put you in over your head."

"Oh Osiris, you underestimate me! The Vault might could claim a Titan, but never me. I had a secret weapon, after all?"

"Oh, and what would that be?" Osiris played along.

"A winning smile, of course! If it can slay even the toughest of ladies in this Tower, what chance do the Vex stand, huh?" I stated with a laugh that was well received by my host.

"Even the toughest ladies, huh? I'll be sure to ask Wei Ning about that…" He prodded.

"HEY NOW, that's now fair and you know it! Wei is dispositioned to be immune to my charm! How was I supposed to know that before hitting on her?"

Osiris chuckled and just shook his head as he sat in his chair.

"I think any sort of scouting out the situation—you know, _scouting_ , like good Hunters do—would have told you that it was a bad idea. And to think that she ended up picking a Warlock over you, Praxic no less!"

"Hey, now, to be fair, who wouldn't have picked Eriana over me?"

"True, true… Well, anyways, have a seat. We should probably talk a little…"

I decided to wait a little before sitting. To be honest, I really didn't want to stir up those thoughts just yet; I've been having too much fun with simple small talk, mainly because of how it distracted me from thinking on the Vault. I looked around for anything to change the conversation to.

My eyes scanned across the various artifacts strewn about his office, most of which were themed around ancient Egypt. As good a place as any for a distraction, I suppose.

"Still with all of these sand statues? Would it kill you to frame a mural of the kraken taking over the world?"

"I swear, if I ever find evidence that cephalopods once ruled the earth, I'm burning it in its entirety. They can take my robes away for destroying it, I don't care…" Osiris taunted back, not giving in to my attempt at steering this conversation.

"Kind of apropos that a guy named _Osiris_ would be the young Warlock to discover everything we know about Egyptian mythology, huh?"

"There are some who think that those two events are not mutually exclusive, you know… I've always been fascinated by the symbolism in their work, and as a Sunsinger I do appreciate their praise of Sol. Plus it gave me the ideas for some great shaders, so what's not to love? But that's not why you're here, Pahanin."

I sighed and walked over to the chair opposite his desk before sitting down.

"No, it's not."

"What did the Vanguard and Speaker have to say about the matter?" Osiris added in a very serious tone that completely shifted the tone of the room.

"They were…well, I'll be honest, Saint-14 was pissed that we broke the quarantine on the Vault of Glass and the Speaker is upset that we lost Kabr, but…they were impressed. We actually got the thing open and went in as far as that Hydra. That's unheard of."

"I know. It's why I chose you. Did they reprimand you?"

"Nah, I don't think that woulda sent the right message to my new fans. But I don't think I'll be getting any favors from either of them any time soon."

"No, I suppose not. I know they asked you for everything, but…"

I cut him off by holding up my hand, then reached into my holster and pulled out a hand-cannon.

"Worked like a charm. They never thought to check it."

"I don't think they were really checking you for smuggled items, you know. But good work anyways." Osiris said while taking the gun and heating it with a small solar flare in his hand. As he did so, the glue that held the bottom of the handle together melted away and the bottom of the butt of the weapon fell off, dumping the hidden contents into Osiris' hand.

"I made sure to scan, well, everything I could in between the endless waves of Vex. But get this: there were these things I scanned, Kabr named them Oracles to simplify them while reloading from shooting them, and the reader went crazy. So much data went in that it used an ENTIRE cartridge at once. An entire Golden Age Quantum Storage super thingy in one scan.

"I'm no Warlock, Osiris, but I recognize freaky shit when I see it."

"That would appear to be 'freaky shit,' indeed. How are you holding up?"

"What'da mean by that?" I asked probably too quickly. If he hadn't caught on before, he probably does now.

"Don't even try, Pahanin. You've been off this whole time. What'd you see down there that's got a Hunter like you rattled?"

I took a deep breath and tussled my hair while staring off out the window for a moment, trying to put my thumb on it.

"I don't know. Kabr. I didn't know him well, but part of me can't shake the Survivor's Guilt. That son of a gun was impressive down there for so long that I feel like I let him do too much. I didn't help when I could have—you know, when I was scanning around—and before I knew it he was going nuts down there. Drinking the Vex, twitching, screaming…he died with the most bone-chilling yell I've ever heard. And he started glowing, too, like some real Warlock shit as he just kinda blew up. The explosion gave me a chance to scale the well unfollowed, but even once he was gone the spot just glowed.

"I just can't get over his sacrifice. He died alone in a hopeless spot so I could get out. Its feels…"

"Wrong. It feels wrong that he died like that while you live. You said it yourself, Survivor's Guilt. And I'm also sure that you'll get through this. You know that he died knowing his purpose and fighting for it: to get you out of there safe. Now, every step you take is an attribute to his memory."

"Well, gee, when you say it like that it almost makes me feel bad for failing at hitting on so many Guardians…"

Osiris gave a good chuckle at that before we both settled into the silence.

"Just take some time off, Pahanin. Do whatever you would for fun. Go hang out with Wei Ning and the crew. Mock Pujari during his lectures again (and don't tell him I condone this). Go write more stupid fanfictions about squids…"

"Hey, now, that is _certified_ literature! It's published and everything!"

"I know, I read it. Not half bad, if you can get past it being propaganda for an 8-legged sea creature."

"Don't say it like that. It includes crabs if you do."

"Oh, my bad. And before you go, I've got a…gift for you."  
"Oh?" I said as I stood up.

"Yes, some excavations from another off-book mission in Japan uncovered early 21st century films. A young Hunter on loan from Andal earmarked one 'DVD' set for you. I watched a bit and agreed that it is right up your alley." Osiris said, betraying a slight smirk. Whatever it was that he was handing me, there is a joke hidden somewhere in its meaning.

I read the label on the video.

"'Japanese Tentacle Porn'? What's that mean?"

"We've got no clue. Never seen that last word in any archives, strange enough. From what I watched, though, you'd probably _really_ enjoy it…" He said with a much more obvious grin.

"Uh, thanks… I guess I'll play it later tonight. Bye." I said while walking out.

"Oh, and it might not be wise to have any of those women lining up over when you watch it… or do, maybe. Who knows…" He called out, trying to add on to what must be a hysterical prank for him.

Well, the jokes on him. I already have this whole DVD set.

Author's Note: Alright, so I got bored and wondered what it would look like to write out chapters of the Pahanin Errata, but that'd be too much pressure to live up to the real thing. So why not an unfinished sequel, huh? It would be a collection of stories set throughout random times of Pahanin's life, mostly later in it though. This test chapter is set just as Pahanin escapes from the Vault of Glass, so presumably Osiris is still there. The Speaker once complained that Osiris sent Guardians searching after the legendary Vault of Glass, so I don't think it's a stretch that he sponsored the first group to crack the Vault.

This story is designed to mostly be sets of related one-shots about Pahanin, mostly for his comedic value. However, Pahanin really does have a good story, so I'm hoping to do justice to both aspects. His story is somewhat unclear aside from the few main points: VoG, terrified of being alone, creates SGA, and dies to Dredgen Yor. He also writes a book of one-liners and praises cephalopods at all turns, so he's a fun character to take on.

Let me know how this chapter works (or doesn't). If you like it and want to see more, let me know and I'll proceed as planned. If it sucks and the humor doesn't hit the marks, don't let me continue making garbage jokes that no one wants. :D I refuse to be one of _those_ fanfic writers.

The next chapter, assuming that I didn't just write the worst story ever, should take a time-skip a few months forwards as Pahanin finally gets off his ass and gets into gear again.


	2. Spooky Scary Vex

Super Good Editor: So this chapter jumps around three months from the last one. Pahanin, in true Hunter form, decided not to indicate the passage of time in any way, and instead left it to the reader to figure out. That's just very frustrating if you are a Hunter or Titan because you'll probably go the rest of the book without figuring it out, so I decided to put this note here explaining it.

- _Super Good Advice_

* * *

Why did I get talked into this?

Well, I didn't really have much of a choice. I've been hanging around with Wei Ning, Eriana-3, and Eris Morn recently—and by that, I of course mean that Eris Morn and I have been dragged and carried places by Wei Ning, with Eriana following her lead—and while they're fun, I have to stay on my toes around them. They're very persistent and very observant, even Wei, and I can feel their eyes on me.

It's no secret to them that the Vault of Glass was a horrifying experience. They're all high enough Vanguard ranks to have seen the official report that The Speaker wrote. It's just…the way the always keep an eye on me bothers me. It puts me on edge.

But it's also very comforting knowing there's someone watching my back, even if they're doing it because they're worried that _I,_ of all people, might have succumbed to the Vex's mind torture.

Before tonight, I wouldn't have thought that they knew very much about why I was on an officially sanctioned vacation. Before tonight, I wouldn't have thought that they suspected that I might be afraid of being alone (while that isn't even perfectly accurate).

But now, standing in line to go through the Festival of the Lost's most famous Guardian-operated "haunted Tower"…

I think they know more than they should.

As we stood in line and got closer to the main entrance, I struggled to hide my nervousness as I read the signs.

Apparently, you go in in pairs of 2, so obviously Wei Ning and Eriana are going in the spooky tunnel together. So I get Eris, and if the looks that the group has been shooting each other is any indication, she's going to go invisible and disappear as soon as it gets dark.

Which means they're going to send me, the man secretly afraid of dying alone, into a haunted maze alone.

"What's wrong there Pahanin, you look like you've seen a ghost!" Eris teased as she elbowed my side.

I snapped out of my thoughts and realized that they were all looking at my pale face.

"What? Oh, sorry… I guess I zoned out…" I bullshitted.

"Yeah, _suuuuureeee_. I bet he was trying to read the signs. You need some help there, Hunter?" Eriana added in, earning a snicker from her girlfriend and a betrayed glare from Eris. "Those 2-syllabaled words can be tough, huh?"

"No, I was just daydreaming."

"Well your face looked like you had just woken up in someone else's bed next to a 400 pound man!" Wei piled on.

Really, I looked _that_ mortified?

"I don't know about that, but I hear Eris is an expert in that particular area…" I responded, hoping to deflect this conversation at Eris. I do feel bad that I had to waste such a good piece of leverage over her on this, though.

Eris' mouth dropped open as surprise and anger shot across her face, and she immediately whipped her head at Eriana and pointed a finger at her.

"You little fucker! I told you that _in confidence_!" She grumbled at Eriana as her finger turned into a fist.

Wei Ning and I both laughed but before any violence could come out of this, we reached the entrance. I looked up and noticed a woman sitting behind a desk and a guy standing behind her.

"Alright, who are the next two?" The lady called out.

"That's us!" Wei Ning nearly shouted as she dragged Eriana up there with her.

"Alright, follow Rocko-16 and he'll tell you the rules. Who's next?"

"I guess that's us." I stated as Eris and I walked forwards. I kept my eyes ahead on where Wei and Eriana walked and as they entered the first room another guy walked out. Unlike the first guy—Rocko-something—this guy was actually dressed up for the job. Or at least his ghost was, as it was wearing a sheet over itself, pretending to be a ghost. Clever.

"Alright, just follow Bentley-22. Next?"

We followed Bentley-22 through the arches of the entrance (that had been stylishly decorated with fake spider webs) and followed as he turned to the right and stopped by a table with two bins on it.

"Alright Hunters, I'm going to have to ask for _all_ of your weapons. ALL of them. All of our staff are Guardians who can regen, but we don't really feel like getting shot or stabbed."

Eris and I both grunted and made fleeting eye contact, and I could tell we were both thinking the same thing: how many knives handed over if enough to keep him from searching us for the rest?

In the end, for me it was eight knives, leaving me with six very well hidden and very difficult to retrieve knives. Don't ask.

Eris had to turn over twelve before Bentley was satisfied, and something tells me she still has more than I do.

Bentley put all of our knives and guns a box for each of us and then wrote our names on them with a dry-erase marker before stacking them with presumably everyone else's. He then came back and handed us two common, minimum light hand cannons.

"Here, if you get the urge to shoot something, use these. Just don't… _punch your way out or anything_ …" He said in a manner that made me feel like I may not be the most nervous person to have gone through here.

He pointed at a door and wished us luck before walking back out front, and Eris and I opened it to find a pitch black corridor. Eris made sure to close the door behind us, making it very difficult to see or track anything.

"You know, I hear that they have different themes every year. Last year they had it Fallen themed. I wonder what it is this year…" She mused. Her voice betrayed the smirk on her face; I'm sure she knows exactly what the theme is.

In fact, if she's smirking, then she's sure that I'm going to hate the theme. Could it be…?

"AH MOTHER _ **FUCKER**_!" I screamed as a Vex Hobgoblin's laser rifle fired right past my head, and in a matter of seconds I had fired all six rounds in my handcannon in the general direction the shot had come from.

I heard Eris laugh hysterically from somewhere behind me, but my instincts kicked in and I started reloading my handcannon with my head on a swivel, looking for more Vex. This handcannon was such an old model that all six rounds had to be inserted separately, and my hands were shaking so badly that only two of the six actually made it in on the first try. The other four clinked to the ground, and I didn't dare bend over to pick them up.

Then from somewhere behind me, I heard a small static noise: the noise of Eris going invisible.

"YOU BITCH, ERIS! You brought me here for revenge for hitting on you, didn't you?! I APOLIGIZED, OKAY?! I DIDN'T MEAN WHAT I SAID ABOUT YOUR HOOD!"

Eris didn't respond, and as I made my way down the dark corridor I knew that she was somewhere around me, just waiting for the best moment to scare me.

My heart is pounding so loud that Eris is probably tracking me by it. At the end of the corridor was a door that opened away from me, and as I was five feet from it I heard motion from the corner of the room that was five feet to the right of the door. It was encased in shadows so I couldn't see what it was until the replica Minotaur had smashed the ground in front of me.

" _shitshitshitshitshitshit!_ " I yelled out in perfect timing with my six shots. I'm pretty sure I had jumped when the Minotaur lunged at me and I fired all six shots before I reached the ground.

I heard a chuckle from inside the Minotaur; I'm sure that guy really enjoys his job. He retreated back to the corner and I walked up to the door, and I slowly placed my hand on the handle, not certain what to expect behind the door.

I worked up whatever was left of my fragile pride and courage and began to brace myself for whatever horror was on the other side, but I was not prepared for anything BEHIND me to happen. Just as my hand started turning the knob, Eris fired her from right behind me.

"GAAAAAAAAHHH!" I screamed, not even mentally able to pick out any particular words to scream.

I recovered my wits and bent over with my hands on my knees, trying to catch my breath and stop my heart from exploding.

"You coming, pussy?" Eris taunted from the door, and I didn't have the mental faculties to respond in any way but flipping her off with my nearest hand.

As we made our way into the next room, the lighting was slightly better and I had a second to try to berate Eris for her treachery.

"Are you… _trying_ to get me to hurt someone?" I asked exasperated, with my heart beat still much higher than I would like.

"Me? No, I'm just treating you like a normal Hunter would. Unless, of course, there's some reason that you're wound up so tight…"

So that's the game, huh? She's trying to get me to say it out loud. All three of them probably conspired to make this work.

Well, we'll just see how well it goes now that I know their game.

The room we were in turned out to be just a small connector room, and instead of a door at the end, there was a fake Vex gateway with a cloth screen instead of an actual portal.

"Shiiiiiit…" I grumbled under my voice. If Eris heard me, she didn't want me to know as she didn't look at me.

I'm…not going to go into _too_ many details about what happened in the rest of the maze. There are still numerous conflicting reports about who shot who in there; all I can legally say is that I was provoked, okay?

But…I did realize something. Despite her sinister plan, I felt much better when Eris was by my side instead of invisible. I knew that she was planning on ditching me whenever the moment was right just to make things worse for me—making her literally the least comforting person to have with me—but just having _someone_ there helped.

Besides…if I was going to shoot anyone with a Golden Gun on accident…I'm glad it was her.

When we did get out of the haunted house, Wei Ning and Eriana were waiting for us.

"So, Pahanin, how'd it go?" Wei Ning singsonged with a cheerful grin on her face.

"The good news is that they banned me from ever coming back." I chimed semi-cheerfully, just glad that I was finally through the torture.

"What?...did it have anything to do with that Golden Gun I heard go off?" Eriana asked annoyed. As if on cue, Eris caught up to us with a scowl that could have killed an Archon.

"I'm going to take that as a yes…" Eriana answered her own question.

"Hey, does that look like smoke to you guys?" Wei Ning interjected, pointing back at the tunnel.

"I'm sure that it's one of the decorations." I said without even turning around.

"No but there's people screaming and running to get out of there."

"I SAID IT'S PART OF THE ACT, okay?"

"So you never answered the question, Pahanin. How was it?" Wei Ning egged on.

"Honestly, I've never been more terrified in my LIFE…then when I saw Eris again in the light!"

I tried to redirect, but they weren't having any of it. No one took that answer well—particularly not Eris—and I was left with three irritated women staring me down.

In all honesty, it was the most terrifying part of my night.

Suddenly, I got a chime indicating that there was a call for me on the communication network.

"Oh thank the Traveler. Ghost, patch it through. Excuse me, _ladies_."

I took a few steps away and kept my ear on those three to make sure they weren't going to wait for me. After a few moments, they broke the silence and started talking about something, so I figured I was in the clear.

"Yeah, this is Pahanin?" I called into my communicator, with no answer. "Uh Ghost, I think that the line is dead."

"Don't worry. There's not really a call. I just faked that to get you out of there." My Ghost replied.

"You sly dog! I guess there really is someone out there watching my back…" I said enthusiastically, but trailed off as…

…as I got an idea.

"Ghost, call Roni 55-30 and schedule an appointment with Osiris for right now."

"Uh…okay."

I turned back around to face the group, failing to hide my grin.

"Well, ladies (and Eris), it's been absolutely no fun, and I hate to run out early…but I've just been called in by the Vanguard so I've gotta run."

I had my ship pick me up from the abandoned tower before I could even get a response, and within a few mins I was landing back at the real Tower. Another five minutes to get to his office.

"Hello Lord Pahanin, Overlord of Earth, Regent of the Our Cephalopod Gods, he is expecting you."

"Hi Roni, good to see you too!" I replied, quite pleased with the numerous changes I made to my personnel file.

"Ah, Pahanin, what can I do for you?" Osiris greeted as I walked in.

"Osiris, buddy, I want a robot."

Silence.

"A…robot." He said, as if testing the words. "Well you can't have Roni if that's what you're asking."

"No, no, not a frame. Something with a higher AI than that. And it needs to have guns, too!"

"…may I ask—and I am truly terrified of your answer— _why_ you need a robot?"

"I figured out how to solve my problem; this will get me back in the field. I need someone to watch my back out in the wilds."

"I see. Have you…considered the fact that your Ghost is sentient? And very personable. And has already been going out in the field with you?"

"Yeah, yeah, but one more makes three of us. Three's a crowd. I would feel infinitely safer in a crowd. You can't…" I trailed off, deciding against what I was going to say.

Unfortunately, he caught on to my hesitance.

"You can't what?"

"You can't die alone like Kabr if you're in a crowd."

Osiris sat back in his chair and rubbed his chin for a few moments, contemplating things.

"It would probably rub our Exo Guardians the wrong way if we gave you a pet robot. Not to mention the Ghosts… Besides, the Vanguard doesn't just have spare AI's better than the frames just laying around. Otherwise we would have smarter frames."

"Hey. I heard that." Roni piped up from the other side of the door.

"Okay, so what if I reclaim some Golden Age tech with an AI? There's got to be plenty of those somewhere."

Osiris chuckled a little, as if I had said something of an inside joke he had with himself.

"Yes, they're just practically sitting on every street corner. Besides, if you claimed an AI for the Vanguard, I'm certain that Saint-14 wouldn't commission it for your personal use…"

"No, but if I found some Golden Age 'weapon tech', he would let me make it into a gun for myself; happens all the time. And if my Warlock Vanguard Leader who owes me a favor for sending me into the Vault of Glass and giving me crippling anxiety helps me out, I can get a Foundry to make me a new weapon and install an AI that I happen to have for some reason into it."

Osiris just sat there and stared at me. Most people think this is him being intimidating, but I've been around the guy long enough to know that when he's deep in thought, he just looks angry.

"So you want to go on salvage missions to recover gun technology but also to secretly obtain an AI. Then you want the Vanguard to ask a weapon Foundry to help you create a new weapon with the gun tech, except when you get there you're also going to have them install and AI into it." He summarized, trying to poke holes as he went.

"And since you are one of the three Vanguard heads, having you to ensure the Foundry doesn't question why I have an AI won't be an issue either."

Osiris scratched his chin some more as he kept thinking over the plan.

"This…could work, actually. There are two obstacles that I can see: one, that to obtain this salvage you would have to go into the wilds alone, which is the whole issue anyways. And two, you been on a break for a while now, so the Vanguard isn't going to want to do you any favors unless you've recently shown them a reason they should."

"I think that I have a way to solve both of those…" I replied with a grin.

* * *

Super Good Editor: Here the story jumps again, this time two days later. Pahanin was really bad at keeping track of these skips. Fortunately, I'm a little more organized… Unlike your vault, which you _still_ haven't taken me out of, have you?

- _Super Good Advice_

* * *

"Alright noobs, listen up! You all are Junior Guardians, Private Negative First Class rank as far as I care! My job is to babysit you new Warriors of the Light so you don't permanently die on your first mission. You may call me Master Pahanin, except for you down on the end, miss: You can call me anytime. Now, newbies, welcome to Mars, home of the Clovis Bray Research Facilities that we will be plundering today!"

* * *

Author's Note: Well, no one commented to tell me that the first chapter sucked, so here's the second one. Again, if you liked it and think it's funny, then you have good taste and should leave a comment. If not, well leave a comment anyways. I took a leap here on timelines, but in case it wasn't obvious enough Pahanin's group here are three Guardians who haven't been killed by the Lunar invasion yet. Wei Ning died at the major battle against Crota, and Eriana-3's Raid Fireteam (including Eris Morn) went down in the pit to avenge those that fell to Crota. Eriana goes down specifically to avenge Wei Ning, and there's palpable tension between those two...

If I'm off the mark on any fine details like that, let me know in the comments.


	3. Meet the Rookies

Super Good Editor: Alright, so more of Pahanin's inconvenient time lapses and scene jumps ahead. Like normal, I'll do my best to make sure things aren't too confusing, but if you're a Titan, you might be best off just asking a Warlock to explain it. Or maybe a Hunter; Warlocks don't like to admit in public that they've read something written by a Hunter. But as far as the first part of this chapter, it starts with Pahanin and Osiris trying to convince Saint-14 to send Pahanin out on salvage missions.

Also, I think that Pahanin is jealous of Saint-14's Mohawk, but he would never admit it.

- _Super Good Advice_

* * *

"No."

Seriously? Are we really going to have to do this?

"What part do you object to?" Osiris responded carefully.

"Lots of it. I can't spare manpower. Meridian Bay is still locked down in the Cabal's Exclusion Zone. I'm not particularly fond of Pahanin at the moment, especially since he's been on some sorta vacation while the City is pressured on all fronts."

Osiris shot me a look that was supposed to calm me down. It said 'I got this.' I decided to sit back and pretend to be a good Hunter, though I'm sure that I could never fool a frame.

"Pahanin has been on a sponsored sabbatical at _my_ insistence these last few months; in any matter, sending him to salvage doesn't effectively cut into your man power since you haven't been using him anyways. Saint, this would be one of my sanctioned research operations; you know that I take care of details."

Saint-14 gave a big grunt and looked up to lock eyes with Osiris, seemingly having a battle of wills. I know that they were great friends and Saint-14 placed a lot of faith in Osiris after the Gap, so that will go a long way for us.

"One of your sanctioned research ops, huh? So what, the ones you don't _mind_ me knowing about?"

"If you're insinuating something, I don't know what it is." Osiris quipped back quickly.

"Oh I'm _sure_ you don't. Look, Osiris, I'm going to be honest here. We—The Speaker and I—know about your secret research ops. You hopped from any trail that held promise and sent Guardians after Ahamkara then Hive then the Vault. We know that you sent Pahanin and Kabr into to the Vault of Glass. What were they looking for, anyways?"

Now I feel more like a kid watching his parents fight. The angry Alpha Male, beef-cake dad arguing with the sly mother that resents his authority and sleeps with his friends behind his back.

Okay, so maybe that metaphor took a nosedive at the end, but it still kinda holds. Minus the sleeping around part. I hope.

"You know that you hate it when I try to talk technical terms with you. I'll just summarize it with saying they were researching time travel."

"Wait, we were?" I interjected, completely caught off guard.

"Yes. The data recovered so far has pointed to the Vault having ontological effects, and some of the Vex encountered showed evidence of being from the far past…and far future." Osiris responded, though he finished off his sentence angrily, like he was unhappy this information was being forced from him.

His words hung in the air as we both caught the gravity of the situation.

"Shit. That… that's not good." Saint-14 finally broke the silence. It's so rare to hear any of the Vanguards, much less Saint-14, revert to potty mouth that I was more stunned that he even knew how to pronounce 'shit.'

"No, it isn't. I've been doing all this research by myself; I've only just recently reached out to a few other Warlocks for their _discrete_ help. Pujari is one. And I've begun sponsoring a few Warlocks to go out on Vanguard missions and obtain more data—not from the Vault itself, obviously—that could help. I've been so busy ever since Pahanin came back from the Vault trying to research that I didn't realize the _other_ side of the Vault's scariness: what I can do to a Guardian."

At this, Osiris turned to look at me, and Saint-14 followed his gaze until they were both looking at me.

I did not sign up to be on some sorta pedestal as a quintessential Lazy Hunter. This is really making me uncomfortable.

"Pahanin here is the only person to survive the Vex's ontological effects. I've kept an eye on him, and he's not disappointed…" Osiris dropped off and looked at me expectantly, before giving me a wink with the eye facing away from Saint-14.

I got the hint: sob story time.

"Y-yes…" I threw in a stutter for good measure. "I find that I can't be alone without being terrified that I'm going to die like Kabr: alone."

Not my best performance, but with Osiris' credibility, I could already see Saint-14 softening up.

"That's why he's been ordered on leave. I had to make certain I could monitor him, and now that I have, I'm trying to fix this before I finish my other research."

Damn, he's good. Saint-14 loves anything that involves getting Guardians back out in the fight, and who doesn't love a good comeback story? And the part about putting it before his research was just icing on the cake.

"Okay, okay. I see; if you think whatever he's going to salvage will help, I'll sign off on it. But won't sending him into the field just trigger his…fears?"

Osiris and I grinned; this was happening.

"That's why I volunteered to supervise a class of new Guardians on a 'field trip' of sorts. Help them grasp the ropes of being a Guardian, maybe find some loot of their own, and be molded by the Tower's _very, very_ best." I chimed in with a grin.

"Well, if you had led with that, I'd let you go back in the Vault butt naked!" Saint-14 let out with a hardy laugh. "You're _volunteering_ to take the noobs? How soon can you start?"

* * *

Super Good Editor: Here Pahanin jumps from an official meeting with Saint-14 to his first time meeting the newbies. While Saint-14 may think that Osiris and Pahanin were upfront with him, it's clear to me that Osiris was much, _much_ better at these backdoor deals than anyone suspected.

That's foreshadowing, kiddos, but not for Pahanin's story…

 _-Super Good Advice_

* * *

"I don't like the look of them."

"Really? I thought that at least the one would…" Ghost started to reply before I cut him off.

"Okay, yeah fine. I like the _look_ of her, but as a group I don't like 'em."

"Well, you haven't even actually met them. They've just been sitting in this cargo hold the whole trip…"

"What, you want me to _talk_ to them? Do you even know me?"

"Oh, yes, I forgot, you're a Hunter. You aren't capable of such things…"

"You're trying to play against my pride, aren't you?" I responded suspiciously.

"Yes. Is it working?"

I thought for a second.

"Dammit, yes. FINE, let's go let the noobs introduce themselves to us."

I hoped over the railing and landing on the floor of the cargo-hold below with a loud thud onto the metal, causing everyone to flinch.

"Alright, noobs, in case it wasn't clear, I'm in charge of our little mission here. Now I'm legally obligated to warn you that the average number of deaths of a Guardian on these things vary, mostly due to how stupid that Guardian is. That being said, I have _never, ever_ died and anyone who doesn't believe me will be shot!"

I looked around the gage the reactions, which varied from confused to confused. _Perfect, this isn't going to suck at all…_

"Alright, kinder-Guardians, first day of school. We are going to go around the class and introduce yourself. I want names—not that I'll remember or use them properly—subclasses—which you will be made fun of for, unless you are a Gunslinger—and one question that your mighty Vanguard veteran can answer for you to assert his brilliance. Got it? No? Good. Let's start with you here closest to me."

I pointed to the idiot who decided to be closest to me. He was a Hunter who was sprawled across a large shipping box, looking very bored.

"Ugh, fine. I'm Tevis and fuck Gunslingers. Nightstalkers all the way." The young Hunter stated without much enthusiasm.

I drew my handcannon and fired two shots right between Tevis' eyes before anyone could even flinch, forcing him to wait a few seconds for respawn.

"Alright, glad to see we had our Stupid Guardian show us how death counts go up. I suppose now would be a good time to warn you that I have a rule: if you're being a little bitch, imma shoot you in your face. It's not even on purpose; it's purely a reaction. See bitch, shoot bitch. That's how you get gud in the Crucible, just saying. Now, where were we?"

One of the Guardians looked shocked, but the other Hunter in the group was trying not to laugh.

"No, go ahead, laugh at Tevis all you want. It's cool with me. But you're up next Giggles."

By now Tevis had respawned and was in a very sour mood, to which I just gave an intentionally annoying smile and moved on to the new Hunter.

"Alright, hi, my name is Cayde—" I cut him off.

" _Giggles._ " I said sternly while staring him down.

"…Sorry. My name is…" He paused, now being laughed at by Tevis and the other Guardian. "…Giggles…and I'm part of the Gunslinger master race."

"Shit, I almost feel bad I named you Giggles. Next!" I shouted as I pointed to the Warlock sitting on the box nearest Giggles.

She had to take a few seconds to collect herself from laughing at the two Hunters, and I could already tell that she was far too much fun to be a Warlock. Also, as fine as she looked, the fact that there was a shotgun sitting in her lap makes _anyone_ that much better.

"Okay, okay. I'm Ikora Rey and since it's not possible for me to be a Gunslinger, I hope it's okay that I'm a Nova Bomber."

I squinted at her for a second and she locked eyes with me with unwavering confidence. Maybe even a dash of arrogance.

"You're a blink shotgunner, aren't you?" I asked, to be answered with a sly grin and a nod. "I knew I liked you for some reason. Agent of chaos and butthurt, my kinda gal. Now, onto-"

"Wait, you didn't let us ask you our questions. How will you prove that you're a brilliant Vanguard member?" Ikora asked semi-flippantly. I decided to let it slide.

"Yeah, besides the tell-tale arrogance and daddy issues?" Tevis grumbled.

Without even looking, I shot Tevis in the lap once.

"That's for grumbling at me, bitch."

I shot him again in the other side of the lap.

"That's for making a weak-ass daddy joke that don't make no sense.

I shot him one last time, this time in the crotch, and I leaned in to whisper in his ear away from the group.

"And I'll have you know, as Guardians, there's only one Father that we need to be concerned about…"

Now, this would have looked and sounded a whole lot cooler if he wasn't whining like a bitch the whole time.

"MOTHERFUCKER! WHY WOULD YOU SHOT A GUY IN THE LAP—OH GOD MY OTHER LAP WHAT THE _FUCK_!? WHY WOULD YOU—GAAAAAaaaahhhh!"

I did eventually, shoot him in the head so he could respawn. I wouldn't wish all that pain on him for too long, now. I'm not completely an ass.

Though Warlocks have been debating it for years.

"So, what's the question, little miss Rey?"

"Why are there four of us in a Fireteam?" She responded keenly.

"Ah, good catch. Yes, technically Fireteams are only allowed to go up to three unless you have special Vanguard consent, which we do. Or _I_ do, anyways. I don't actually count towards the Fireteam, so really this is a mission for you three newbies. I'm just kinda here to chaperone."

"Why are we being smuggled in the cargo hold of a slow-ass ship?" Giggles piped up.

" _That…_ well, uh, that's a good question. We're headed to Mars, and we gotta break the Cabal Exclusion Zone, and that's not easy. There aren't many people capable of breaking the Exclusion Zone, but let's just say that I know a guy who knows a purple girl and leave it at that…"

"Wait, we're being smuggled by Awoken?" Tevis asked.

"Did. I. Not. Just. Say. Let's. Leave. It. At. That?" I asked, while slowly reaching for my holster. Tevis squealed and dove behind the box he had been sitting on, and I decided that his embarrassment would suffice.

"Also, we aren't really being smuggled." Cayde—Giggles—piled on. "If we were being smuggled, we'd be in that false hatch over there where no doubt the valuables are being stashed.

We all stared at Giggles.

"Rookie, mind telling me how a fresh Guardian such as yourself is already so versed in interplanetary smuggling?"

"I…uh…hang out in the hangar a lot?"

We all gave him more stern stares until he cracked under the pressure.

"There's a cute blonde in the hanger, okay? Sheesh."

"You know what, I can respect a man who chases girls and learns to smuggle at the same time. That's my kind of multitasking…"

Giggles laughed nervously while Tevis and Ikora just rolled their eyes.

"Alright, well, you losers get ready, we should be hopping out any minute now."

"Uh…"

"Hopping out?"

"The fuck this man just say?"

I turned my back and grinned as I walked back up the stairs towards the flight deck.

"Yup, low-range base jumping, minus the parachutes. Welcome to the glamorous life of being a Guardian… Oh, uh, good luck over there with blink…"

I smashed the button to open the hangar bay door and then set it up to close automatically after 30 seconds. It wouldn't do to piss off Osiris' buddies by leaving their door open.

I hoped down and sprinted out the door knocking the two Hunters down on my way. I looked back up to see Ikora Rey laughing before blinking down to catch up with us in our freefall.

We were only a half-mile above the sand so the fall didn't take long. Being Hunters, the stop was relatively simple: we get close to the ground the hop up to slow down. It would be trickier for the Warlock, having to use blink to slow a decent, but not impossible. It's been done before.

And the good news is that if anyone dies, they can respawn without a problem, so there really are no stakes here. But it is so much more fun when they don't know that.

Unfortunately, no one had any problems with their landing. Miss Rey even used her Nova Bomb to slow down her decent further and gracefully landed on the sand next to us, quite frankly looking a lot cooler than any of us.

"Well, we didn't die there, so I'd say that worked."

"Yeah. Well, that's the easy part. You guys haven't even heard how we are _leaving_ a locked down military Exclusion Zone…"

* * *

Author's Note: Alright, so I decided that if I was gonna have Pahanin train the noobs, it would fit that the timetable would fit for some of our favorite Vanguards to be freshly resurrected at that point. Of course it's unlikely that all three of them would be in the same training class, it does make for one heck of a story.


	4. Cayde's Best Fingering Ever

Super Good Editor: Now, I personally am not a fan of Mars. There's sand everywhere and it gets all up in places it doesn't need to be, plus there are ugly turtle with shields that require accuracy to take down, not to mention the whole Black Garden sh!tshow. The warm sun is nice, I guess, if you're into that sorta thing, which Clovis Bray must have been since he made Mars his headquarters. And now there are hush-hush whisperings around the Tower that Clovis Bray invented SIVA on Mars…

Man, I hate that planet.

- _Super Good Advice_

* * *

We stood there for a moment to look out over the vast expanse of sand. Rolling dunes that folded and rippled, the ability to see the wind by where the sand it being carried, the backdrop of a once flourishing city now falling apart and abandoned, and the distant flight of very large Cabal ships, likely working to advance the lines.

"Is that is?" Giggles whined, apparently physically unable to appreciate the expanses of the wilds. What sort of Hunter _does_ that?

"You say that like you've just taken off a push-up bra. I assure you, there's more than meets the eye down there."

"Mars infrastructure was built both upwards and downwards, so there's likely just as much city below the sand as there is above it." Ikora added in, though she did give me a funny look for my analogy. I thought it fit in quite well.

"What shader fits in best with the sand, do you think? Should I go with a true 'sand camo' or is this sand too red for that to work?" Tevis asked while swapping through colors like a peacock. A boring peacock that only has slight variations of yellow and red, but a peacock none the less.

"I don't plan on being out in the sand for very long." I replied.

I kept my eyes peeled on the horizon, waiting. My pupils, however, did not seem to understand why I was just standing here and began to become anxious.

"So, not to cause too much trouble (or too little), why are we just standing here? Do we even have 'training' mission?" Cayde—Giggles, I mean—asked.

"Yeah, what exactly _is_ our mission? I never could get any details out of the assignment." Ikora added in.

"Yeah, aren't we a little overqualified to be going on training missions?" Tevis compiled on.

"Ah hah!" I said as my eyes finally saw movement over the edge of a dune. "Alright everyone, play dead."

For emphasis, I ragdoll flopped onto the ground with one arm strewn out to the side, but the other very purposefully left resting on my holster.

"Um…what?" Giggles asked, now even more perplexed that before.

Ikora must have decided to trust me, or at the very least it wouldn't hurt to take a nap, so she started to set herself down. Tevis finally found a shader that matched the Martian sand and he backed away a few yards until he could lay himself against the side of a dune wall and be unnoticeable unless looked for.

Giggles just stood there looking around at everyone like they were stupid.

"You mind telling me why you want me to get sand in my cape?"

"Bitch, lay down already." I hissed as I sat up and drew my handcannon to point at him. He put his hands up in mock-defense and shrugged before rolling up the bottom part of his cape to rest his head on.

We all lied there for a minute until the Cabal recon team I saw finally made it over to us. There were no phalanxes as this was a scout team, but one of the four Cabal was a Centurion. They walked over to examine our bodies—clearly unfamiliar with human/neohuman biology—before one of them started radioing back in what they found.

I don't speak Cabal, but I'm pretty sure the conversation was something like "Yeah, three humans jumped out of a ship and died. What retards."

When the radio finally shut off, instead of walking away the Cabal all surrounded Giggles and pointed to his cape pillow and starting laughing—I assume it was laughing, but they sound weird no matter what they do. I'd hate to hear two Cabal having sex—until the Centurion started to get suspicious.

In the nick of time, Tevis hit them with a Shadowshot (specifically, on the Centurion) and Ikora blinked straight into the air and let loose a Nova bomb directly downwards, killing all four.

"Well done everyone—except for you, Giggles, you almost blew that whole thing you dumbass." I mock-congratulated as I stood up and dusted off myself.

"Think there are any more of those?" Tevis asked as he rejoined the group.

"Oh definitely. I'd say that when they don't come back, this place will be swarming with Cabal." I answered in an optimistic tone, which through off my pupils.

"Well, that's not good. What's our play?" Giggles asked.

"We're gonna take this Centurion's ID card and go sneak into the outpost he just came from." I answered while gesturing to the deal Cabal with my handcannon. Ikora got the hint and searched it till she found what looked like an access card.

"Also, congrats guys, you are now part of the 25% of Guardians who have survived an encounter with the Cabal. Let's get going, we need to be in and out before those lugs were expected to be back by."

Everyone looked around at each other funny at my 25% comment, but when I took of sprinting over the sand they followed. I made a straight line for where I first saw the Cabal peak over the sand, and when I finally made it to that dune I stopped to find a small outpost built into the sand just behind it.

A quick visual scan revealed no patrolling Cabal, so I jumped down and was followed by my three little ducks. Well, okay, maybe that's not the best visual; one duck teleported halfway down and then teleported again, one duck shadow-rolled down the dune, and the last duck slid down as if he was surfing (he even gave a hang-ten). But hey, there's no words that truly describe how odd of a sight we really are, so ducklings work for now.

This outpost was, well, not much. It was just one circular room with some computer screens and radios, and a circular hole in the center of the hut-like structure. It didn't seem largely important or well-guarded; chances are it was just occupied by the small scout team as a forward scout base. But a quick look around the room told me that what we needed was here.

"Alright, we're here. Now what, do any of you speak Cabal? That seems like the sort of thing that would come in handy right about now…" Giggles asked.

"I got this." I answered while pulling out my ghost. "Ghost, use this equipment to get a line open with Osiris."

"Okay. Should be about a minute before I can get a signal out, then he just needs to pick up…"

"Oh he will." I answered.

"How can you be so sure? You planning on telling us what's actually going on here?" Tevis asked with a few tones of anger layered in.

"Yeah, we've got to be the most overqualified 'rookies' ever." Giggles added.

"Two weeks ago I was on the fast-track to graduating to Vanguard missions fulltime, then suddenly I was pidgeonholed in a research lab piling over old Vex data, now suddenly I'm on a graduation mission in the Exclusion Zone under shady tutelage. What gives?" Ikora added on, quite frankly blowing the other two's complaints away.

" _Well perhaps I can answer those questions._ " Osiris piped up from the screen in the background.

"I got it! Feed is live!"

"Later, Osiris. I need some help decoding the Cabal maps and troop movement intel…" I interjected.

" _You're assuming that I have an off-books protocol to enable Ghosts to translate Cabal—which theoretically would be under lock and key seeing as it is unofficial—and you want access to it over a jerry-rigged connection via the Cabal network, and to top matters off you're asking for it in front of three rookies?_ "

"Yeah, and I'm in a crunch so I just need to download a copy and then let you go, so we won't be giving it back till mission's over."

" _Fine. It's sending to your ghost, Pahanin. I want it to stay that way." Osiris answered without any real argument; part way through his rant he realized I didn't really give a shit about his 'threatening' ways. "As for you three… Ikora, you were held back originally so I wouldn't have to share your talents with the Vanguard as much. Tevis, those targets during your test did, in fact, move slightly whenever you fired to bring your scores down for the same reason as Ikora. And Cayde-6, as you may have guessed by the pattern, we held you back as well: we know that the Spaghetti Incident was not…entirely…your fault._ "

The three reactions all varied. Ikora was digesting the information with a slight distaste but was also acclimating to the insinuation that Osiris had her earmarked for special work. Tevis pretended to be angered about the sabotage of his aim tests but was also visibly relieved that he did not, in fact, suck at shooting. And Giggles was shouting at Tevis telling him that the Spaghetti Incident was indeed a set-up.

"Alrightgottagoseeyalaterbye!" I shouted quickly, hoping that Ghost would take the hint and shut off the feed.

He didn't.

" _Well this is awkward._ " Osiris chuckled.

"GHOST! THE FEED!" I whispered angrily.

" _No, you hang up first…_ " Osiris chuckled, clearly amused by himself. Two of my underlings failed at hiding a giggle at this.

Without looking, I pointed my handcannon at Tevis' forehead.

"What the fuck!? It was those two!"

"There we go!" Ghost exclaimed as the feed finally went dead. "Sorry about that. Want me to run the translation protocol?"

"Yeah, go ahead." I said as I put my handcannon back in its holster, still never having looked at Tevis.

"Done. Putting the new map on the screen." True to his word, the screen updated with a now rough-English version of Meridian Bay, including real-time Cabal movements and estimated Vex movements. "Chances are the Cabal will find my intrusion into the system soon and kick us out, and from then it won't be long before reinforcements will be here."

"We'll be long gone by then. Start finding a way for us to get sparrows."

"On it."

"So what are we really here for?" Ikora asked, not entirely angrily but with a fair amount of suspicion.

"Long story short, Osiris and I tricked Saint-14 into letting me back into the field if I led some training missions, so we used some of his held back recruits for the trainees and hitch-hiked our way into a locked-down military zone. We're here to salvage any kick-ass gun technology from Clovis Bray facilities. Once this is over, you're officially in the Vanguard, and will have a very powerful and clever new friend in Osiris.

"And you get to spend time with me!" I summarized quickly, knowing that we are still technically on a clock here.

They were taken aback by the rapidity with which I gave them so much new information and weren't able to reply before I switched gears.

"Alright, assignments…" I mused as I looked over the map, clicking on the different building to see what info the Cabal had on them. "Ah, here we go. _R &D_ in Clovis Bray facility #13… It looks like the Cabal didn't really know what this was, so it probably hasn't been picked over, great! Tevis, you and Shits and Giggles here will split off and search for a directory of any kind once we get there. Blink-Shotgun over here and I are going to follow one of my hunches elsewhere. GHOST, how we coming on Sparrows?"

"It's not very eloquent, but I embedded some code in their scramblers that should allow you to call in Sparrows. We're good!"

I called up my Sparrow and, sure enough, it worked.

"Alright, let's ride before we get overrun by these bloated Titans."

I blasted off without even looking to see if the others were able to get Sparrows, but after a few moments I heard multiple hums behind me, so they must have worked out alright.

We ducked through some tunnels that were made through old buildings until we came out near where our paths should split. Turns out, the R&D building was across from where I wanted to check out, and in the middle of the area between them there was another small Cabal group. This one was identical in make-up as our last encounter, with a Centurion and three Legionaries.

I stopped our Sparrow procession as we came out of the tunnels and scuttled off to the left to get the high ground and avoid being spotted by the admittedly small Cabal squad. The other three joined soon enough.

"So Cayde, you mind telling me why you had to hold on to Tevis the whole Sparrow ride here?" Ikora asked with a smirk, getting my attention.

"Gee, thanks for being discrete about that. I was hoping to avoid this ribbing." Cayde replied sarcastically.

"What's wrong, don't have your own Sparrow?" I asked barely containing a laugh.

"He doesn't have a Sparrow problem, he has a Gambling problem." Tevis supplied.

"Ooh, that's not a good habit, you know…" I chimed in.

"I don't have a gambling problem. _Tevis_ has a cheating problem." Giggles tried to defend himself.

"That is still unproven by the way your Sparrow donated some excellent parts to upgrade mine…" Tevis replied gleefully.

"Look I know that you were cheating because there's no way you got five Aces."

"You're just mad because you've never lost with four Aces before…"

"YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO LOSE WHEN YOU HAVE FOUR ACES! THAT'S WHY IT'S CHEATING!" Giggles burst out, much to the amusement of Ikora and myself.

"Hey Giggles, you're a Gunslinger, right?" I asked to refocus the group on our task at hand. "How good is your throwing arm?"

"Better than yours." He grumbled out too quickly, instantly regretting it.

"Well, put your money where your mouth is Big Boy…" Tevis egged on.

"Sounds like a good idea. Whoever nails a Cabal better gets the other's Sparrow. Oh Wait…" I added.

"Har. Har. Make fun of the guy without a Sparrow, why don'tcha? How about if I win I get to trade Tevis for Ikora when we split up."

"Okay fine. When I win I get to draw a nipple on to your chest plate." I spurted out, not really being able to think of anything I wanted at the moment.

"Done." Giggles said before turning and chucking a throwing knife across the sandy expanse. We all watched the knife travel way up high before arching down and miraculously nailing a Cabal in the head for a critical kill.

Realizing it was a matter of second before the Cabal realized they were under attack and would take cover, I grabbed two throwing knives between my fingers and threw them both before the group could see what I did. They watched the vague outline of a knife travel until it hit the other two Legionaries and struck them both dead with critical shots.

"Dude, I'm sorry, but he just took a dump all over you there." Tevis told Giggles. I grabbed another knife and starting scratching a nipple onto his armor piece, and as I did so Ikora threw a Nova bomb across the flats to take out the Centurion, just for fun.

"Ugh, how about double or nothing: Golden Gun quickdraw?" Giggles asked desperately.

"Oh sure, I'd love to draw another nipple on you." I answered. "You walk that way and everyone else stand clear."

"How can it be 'nothing' if the nipple is already scratched onto his chest plate?" I heard Tevis whisper to Ikora, who responded with a shrug.

After a few moments Giggles was in position, facing me.

"Alright, Ikora, I would like you to hold a gun up in the air. Whenever you fire is when we draw."

Ikora nodded and pulled out her shotgun, holding it up in the air with one hand. Cayde's fingers twitched and danced around his holster, just itching to go. I just smiled, relaxed and ready.

The gun fired. His arms went up, summoning his Golden Gun. I summoned mine with my hand still down at my side, so all I had to do was raise it up and fire. But I had a trick up my sleeve.

I raised my empty hand up and pointed a finger gun at Giggles, who was slightly off-put by my doing so. I heard confused noises from the spectators, and Giggles himself began to chuckle. As he did so, I yelled "BANG" for dramatic affect before firing a Golden Gun shot out of my finger and into Cayde's chest, killing him.

"wwwwWWWHAAAAAATTTT!?" Tevis screamed with unbridled surprise and glee at the spectacle he had just witness.

Ikora stood in shock.

I walked over to Cayde's ghost and blew out the small flame that was left on the tip of my finger gun, before doing some lunges to not-so-subtly T-Bag Giggles.

* * *

Author's Note: Yes folks, you heard it here, Cayde-6 was killed by a finger gun and then T=Bagged mercilessly. Tell your friends and leave a review if there are any shenanigans that you can think of this group getting into during their mission. If there's one that's too good not to use, then I'll give you a shout out at the beginning of the chapter. Other than that, comment what you think and as always…

Fuck Dredgen Yor


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